How I Fail to Trust God
Last week, God must have tested my patience and my faith in His promises. And guess what?
Here's what happened:
We have been expecting a fund that will come in first week of May supposedly. Actually, truth is, we've been hoping to have it around April pa, but delays happened along the way so finally, it was approved last week of April and we expected the check first week of May. Then problems arose on the computations. approval etc. Since the check is actually Vergil's , of course, I cannot really go frontline and oversee it. The worst thing is, there were so many unexpected deductions that we will receive just 1/4 of the original expected amount. Aside from the long delay, the amount got me so frustrated. Now, this is the part where I am not proud of - out of my frustration, impatience and anger, I lashed out at Vergil. I actually blamed him for not being so proactive at making sure the check is being processed on time and for not fighting back and complaining of the deductions they made. (So sorry but I don't want to make specifics of the nature of the fund nor the situation.) I was really mad because that money was supposed to cover loans and bills that are due, including my son's tuition fee. I really felt betrayed and I was actually feeling so down.
Then I cried out to God, asking Him why it had to be this way. I poured out my heartache - I was really angry.
And then I realized, I was overreacting. The amount was not yet final and Vergil can still contest it. And Vergil asked them to issue an initial check while they talk about the "contestable" amount.
Now why the super negative emotion? Because I was impatient. I did not want it to have such delays and problems. I was mad because it took us a long wait and then all of a sudden when the money is already there, a lot of problems came out.
And sad to say, I did not pray to God and trusted Him that whether we will get the whole amount or not, He will provide because He will never leave me nor forsake me.
Last Sunday's message by Pastor Nett concluded the lesson I've learned from the whole ordeal. He was talking about how David, because of His intimacy with God, trusted Him to deliver Goliath in his hands. What had strucked me (and I knew then that God was talking to me), was when Pastor Nett mentioned about Christians who had experienced God's love and mercy many times and then when faced with problems again, they do not draw strength from those experiences and they tend to forget that God who had delivered them from their problems before will deliver them again because He is faithful.
Ouch.... that's me.
So I asked Lord for forgiveness. And I asked Him to be patient with me as I pursue to know Him better everyday. I know along the way that I will still stumble but knowing that God is merciful, He will pick me up again. And I know as I draw closer to Him, I will become better at fully surrendering my life to Him.
To God be all the glory!
1 Samuel 17:37
The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.