With the year end BIR deadlines just finished and the Income Tax season drawing near everyday, life became an everyday of restlessness and chaos. I became so busy and anxious to finish everything and it's been slowly making me become a "monster wife and mom". I feel guilty of getting irritated easily and focusing more on my exhaustion and my wanting of everyone around me to be considerate of what I am going through. I felt that the kids and Vergil should not be wanting too much of my attention since I have so much to do and so many deadlines to beat. I actually feel wrong for wanting that.
But now I realized that I have been dealing with my work with my own power, thus the exhaustion and anxiousness. I forgot to pray to God for power and guidance. I failed to trust Him- that I should be doing the right thing, and trust Him to help me. I should have not put my work on top of my daily conversation with Him and over my husband and kids.
And there's my issue of ungratefulness. God has blessed me the opportunity of working at home and yet getting an income more than what I can get from working as an employee. He has given me the opportunity to work but have the choice to stop and prioritize taking care of my family from time to time. But lately, I have been grumbling. Just like the Israelites whom God has called out of Egypt and has guided through their way to the promise land, I too, had been grumbling of tiredness. How ungrateful I am! I did not even think of those mothers who are working 8-12 hours a day in the office who would joyfully grab an opportunity same as mine. I was so focused on myself, I forgot how blessed I am! God has called me out of my cursed life as a sinner and saved me. He's with me all through out my journey in the desert - He provides, protects and continually reminded me of how He loves me. But I started to complain, I am not proud of that.
Today, God, in His unending love and mercy, has given me another chance to change. From becoming too dependent on myself for power to focusing on Jesus for power. From being ungrateful to becoming a person who knows how to count all my blessings and realize how undeserving I am and yet He has graciously given. From a person who makes wrong priorities to a person who leads the path of life according to His will. And from a person who grumbles to a person that should be praying instead.
I am not proud that after all the display of God's power, love, forgiveness, grace and mercy in my life, I have failed to put my total trust in Him in this time of busyness and chaos. How silly I am to choose to rely on my power when God's power is so available to me.
Today, I must keep in mind-
1. Don't be anxious, PRAY.
2. Remind myself, work comes after God, family and others (relationships)
3. Be grateful, count your blessings.