I just wish i can be more secure and confident that life is fair.... i always have this worry that if i am happy now, tomorrow or the next days to come will surely not. I don't know... maybe because life wasn't that fair to me... or i just thought so.
I never really had a normal childhood. I was forced to become mature on my early age just so i can protect myself from life's adversities. You see, being part of a broken family wasn't easy... but i had to show the world that i am not affected... that it was ok. And i made myself believe that i was strong coz despite my parent's separation... despite the unending pointing of fingers of who's fault the marriage failed... i never made it a reason of ruining my life. There are times when i envy my friends whenever i saw them with their family so happy and complete. And those times, i always convinced myself that i am happy too the despite the family situation, i know both my parents love me and it's all that matters. And i knew it was a lie... i was never happy.... i was wishing they're together.. and we're complete.
I grew up still wishing for that until one day i stopped.
And it gave birth to my insecurities....
I had past relationships before Vergil... two serious relationships... the last one left me. I don't know... one of his reasons why he left me is that i always reject his marriage proposals and it made him question if he's not deserving of me... and other selfish reasons.
Yes, i was scared to lifetime commitment. I was scared that he will leave me too. Almost everyone i love do that. When my parents separated, it felt that way. They may be there physically but they were never really there for me. I grew up in house... not a home.
Then Vergil came... and it felt home. But i was still scared... more scared coz i can't bear the thought of losing him. I love him so much that i married him.
And now im wishing again.... that i can stop worrying and just trust him of his promises. I'm still scared that i can't have the good things i have now forever.
And now i wish.... that i just could trust that life is fair.